Judgement > Safety

I have this thing.

Where I have to say something out loud before I know if I really believe it.

Simon is a good person to do that with, because he doesn’t judge me.  I make grand, sweeping statements about politics or religion or other massive things, and use words like “always” and “never” and “definitely.”  And then, as soon as the words have left my lips, I either say, “No.  Never mind.” or I sit quietly and rest in my rightness – in my decision that I’ve said something I really believe.

He smiles, too, because he knows me.  He knows my thing.  How I have to test myself out loud, to let my superlatives hit the air before I know if they’ll stick.

It’s something I can do here, at home, because this is where I’m safe.

But there are some places I don’t feel safe.

Some places, I keep my mouth shut.  I don’t perform my test, because for better or worse, I will be judged – judged to be right, or judged to be wrong.

But you know what happens when I don’t say anything?  Nothing at all.

And I’m thinking these days that sometimes nothing for the sake of safety is worse than judgement for the sake of truth.